Loopy, Lonely and Lost

What’s going on

Posted on: September 15, 2011

I went on holiday. It was…nice. Lots of sunshine and scenery and doing very little. It was a nice change, although about half way through it I had another little bit of a meltdown, spent a day and a night in bed, crying, inconsolable, not really knowing why. After that I kept fantasising about drowning in the pool and jumping off cliffs, which marred the whole thing a little bit. I feel a bit better for the rest, though.

There’s still something…not quite right. I got my blood test results back, and my haemoglobin’s gone up a bit, now I’m just sort of borderline anaemic. I’m really exhausted, though, and it doesn’t feel like the exhaustion of depression. I feel heavy down to my bones, aching all over, and I’m sleeping loads too. Even when I’ve been depressed, it’s been insomnia that was the problem – lying in bed for hours on end and still not really sleeping – but now, there’s hardly a moment in the day when, given a comfortable chair and a little bit of quiet, I wouldn’t be able to sleep. I’m supposed to be seeing the doctor about it soon, but it seems very non-specific, and with the anaemia being not-really-anaemia anymore, that probably points to there being nothing physically wrong, so I’m worried he might ask about being depressed. The truth is, I suspect I am, on and off, but I think I know my body – and my moods – well enough to know what depression does to me and what’s something else. I don’t want to talk to my doctor about depression. I know it sounds stupid and pathetic and weak and self-destructive, but my experiences with medication are far from positive, and I don’t want to talk about it. I tried counselling, and for the most part, it made things worse. I find talking about my feelings so painful that even thinking about being honest about how I feel brings tears to my eyes. I know it’s not perfect – and I probably wouldn’t recommend it – but the only way I can get through a day is by spending as much of it as possible not thinking about the things that upset me.

I’ve decided to stop my driving lessons. I know it makes me useless, and a quitter, and an idiot, and my parents keep asking why, and I find it so hard to explain, but…it makes me panic. It makes my hands sweat and shake, it makes my heart race, it makes me feel like I’m going to pass out, and it brings me close to tears. I can’t really handle any level of stress at the moment, and driving is stressful. And I was only doing it to stop my parents from telling me to start doing it, so it’s not like I have any real motivation to keep learning. My dad says it’ll cost a fortune to keep taking buses and taxis for all of my life, and that’s true, but I can’t imagine dozens of lessons, and a car, and insurance, and petrol, would be noticeably cheaper, and to be honest I’d rather spend more money (and it’s not like I have anything else to spend it on) if it means I get to be a little bit calmer, and a little bit less afraid.

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2 Responses to "What’s going on"

Has the doctor checked your thyroid and vitamin D? Problems with them can also cause exhaustion. *Squishes*

He did a pretty comprehensive set of blood tests. Thyroid is at the lower end of ideal, but within the normal range. Not sure if he checked vitamin D.

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Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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