Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Family drama

Posted on: September 4, 2011

My mum has been threatening to kill my brother.

I told him. What was I supposed to do? I‘d want to know.

But she says I’m shit-stirring and lying and being stupid.

Sometimes, I feel like I am living in a war-zone.

I want to move out. I can afford somewhere to live, a little flat or something. I’ve got enough money to survive.

But the shit thing is, I wouldn’t survive. You know what I think about, all the time? You know what my dream is, in a fantasy world where I’m not here? It’s nothing. Sitting in a room, alone, wrapped up in a duvet, hiding away from the world and trying to sleep. Without this family, without this house, I’d never move. I’d lose my job, I’d lose everything, I’d just put my head under the covers and pretend not to exist.

It’s fear and anger that keep me moving. The only way to stay alive is to stay terrified.

I’m so tired.


2 Responses to "Family drama"

You’ve lived away from home before. You went to university and you survived. You can do it!

I survived, but I didn’t really cope. I know that.

The shit thing is that now, every day, I’m getting out of bed in the morning. I’m washing relatively often, eating relatively regularly, feeling shit sometimes but not wanting quite so often or quite so violently to kill myself.

When I was at uni, I mostly stopped functioning. However unhappy I am here, it’s the kind of unhappiness that makes me keep moving, keep up pretences even when I’m so tired I feel like I’m going to collapse.

I don’t have any faith in my ability to function even half as well without the constant pressure of fear and shame that living here creates.

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My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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