Loopy, Lonely and Lost

I didn’t kill myself.

Posted on: August 21, 2011

Of course. All talk and no action, that’s me.

I’m not sure what happened yesterday. I thought I was going mad. I completely lost control…just couldn’t stop crying, for hour after hour after hour. It was really frightening.

I don’t like that that’s me. Melodramatic and over-reacting. I hate it. I want to be calm and rational and sensible, and I hate that I was so very far from that.

Today, I am…better. My head and stomach ache from crying, and the skin around my eyes is still sore. My limbs feel heavy, like all the blood has settled there and gone to sleep. I feel…exhausted, and ashamed. I feel very still inside, and all movement is a slow, aching burden.

But I am alive. I chose to lie in my bed, fantasising about dying, rather than actually doing it, and I regret that quite a lot today. I’d like to die. I’d like to not have to think anymore.

I’m scared, to be honest with you. The only thing I have is self-restraint, and yesterday, I lost it.

Today, my parents are being nice to me. Determinedly not mentioning yesterday, but treating me a little bit like an invalid. Nobody ever acknowledges these things after they happen.

I wish I knew what to do. I’m too tired to even think, really, today, and when I try, I feel tears in my eyes, and I can’t allow that.

Fuck. I’ve made such a fool of myself.

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1 Response to "I didn’t kill myself."

I’m so happy and relieved that you made it through Laura. You haven’t made a fool of yourself. You were in pain and acted out a little, but things are a little brighter today. My family are like yours – they never mention my acting out and just treat me like a wounded animal. I can see their pain in their eyes, though.

Do what you need to get through, sweetie. Cry if you need to.

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Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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