Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Posted on: August 5, 2011

The resolution of the whole university thing has been a huge weight off my shoulders.

Unfortunately, it turns out that, all that time, under all the stress and panic and worry and fear, there was a not-particularly-pleasant person. Not particularly stable, at any rate.

Several days of sleeping no more than four hours a night, not noticing it, not caring, buzzing.

Then at work I dealt with a customer who was so rude and obnoxious, not to mention offensive, that I was shaking with rage for an hour after she’d gone. (I shouldn’t be doing my job, apparently, because I don’t have the patience. And I’m arrogant, aggressive, rude and unhelpful. I have a terrible attitude, and am a terrible person, and she’s going to make a complaint because I told her, essentially, that she was speaking to the wrong company. My manager laughed about it, so it’s not like it means anything, but every fucking word felt like being stabbed in the face.) 

Then I went for a driving lesson, and everything was going fine until I realised that going 30mph in a 30mph zone means every other fucker on the road honks their horn at you and overtakes you and shakes their head in your rear-view mirror. At which point, I burst into tears. Which is strange.

Maybe it’s normal. Maybe my whole life so far has been a lengthy parable, with this moral: It’s okay to have feelings.

But probably not. Probably, I’ve just been being a bit over-sensitive, which is one of my least favourite traits in anyone. I can’t fucking stand it when people get visibly and audibly upset over things that don’t even matter, and I especially can’t stand it when people means me.

A strange thing is happening. Every now and then, my brain blurts out “I’m going to kill myself“. It just runs through my brain, often not even when I’m under stress or unhappy. But lately, there’s been a tentative little voice, just after the first one, saying, “I’m not going to kill myself”. And it is weird and confusing but for the first time in an embarrassingly long time, it’s true. Suicide isn’t the first thing I think of in the morning, or the last thing at night. I’m trying to stop it from being my go-to solution for all problems, but it’s difficult when my brain seems hardwired to leap to that conclusion wherever possible.


1 Response to ""

Ha ha ha! I know all too well about drivers – this is why I’ve never travelled to new places on roads I’ve never driven on (unless I am following somebody who knows the road). The short 15 minute route to work and back is all I stick to as a result.

I am glad you’re feeling good!

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My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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