Loopy, Lonely and Lost

The usual birthday wobble

Posted on: July 21, 2011

One minute, I was standing in the bathroom, looking myself straight in the eye in the mirror. Face it, I told myself, in crystal clear silence, you’re never going to kill yourself. Stop pretending you’re going to somehow develop the guts to do it, and find a way to live.

The next minute, I was sitting in my room in darkness, crying and Googling suicide methods.

Every time I try to close a door on it, it barges through as strong as it’s ever been.

I can’t help but feel that my birthday would be the day to do it. It means people only have to pretend to give a fuck once a year, doesn’t it? And it has the handy advantage of being less than three weeks away. (Incidentally, less than three weeks to go and no-one in my family’s mentioned it. I don’t usually do much for my birthday – just a couple of cards, a cake, maybe a cd or dvd – but no-one’s said a word and I think they, like me, just don’t want to admit I’m getting older. The longer I live, the more of a disappointment I am.)

It’s better to die, as soon as possible, than to keep dragging this out. The awful reality is that if I don’t take matters into my hands, I might live for decades after now. I might only be a third, or a quarter of the way through my life. And that time I might have too left, it’s too short to put right the mistakes I’ve made, and too long to live with so much shame and fear.

I need to get real. Stop living in some fantasy world in my head where I am someone else or there’s a time machine I can use to go back, back, back, right to the beginning of my life, and choose to do everything differently or maybe to just not be born.

I’ve backed myself into a corner. I’ve told myself, live like this or don’t live, and I’ve fucking tried, but how long can I carry on like this?

I can’t do it. I can’t make myself feel better so the only thing to do is find a way to make myself stop feeling anything.

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1 Response to "The usual birthday wobble"

Birthdays are always hard for me too. There’s something about the pressure of another year and what have you accomplished?? Suicide is never the answer, but I understand why it seems appealing. Hang in there Laura. Things will get better xx

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Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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