Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Posted on: March 13, 2011

My mum’s home. Not necessarily better, but home. And I know I should be glad but already she’s turning the screws.

“You should be a teacher,” she says. “You’re really good at explaining things.”

And fucking hell, does she not realise how much that makes me panic? I feel so fucking worthless because she’s just pushing and pushing to try to make me a success, to try to make me something she can be proud of, and you have no idea how much I want her to feel pride in me, but some things are more important than giving your mother something to boast about.

My job isn’t great. It can be dull, and isn’t highly paid or prestigious.

But I can do it. I feel good when I do it well. I’ve made friends – at least one really good one. My manager’s nice and the working atmosphere’s good. And it doesn’t make me want to kill myself. That seems pretty important, to me.

But it doesn’t make her happy. I’m not changing lives. And she just keeps pushing it, trying to make me succeed when really all it makes me do is close my eyes and want to cry and try not to focus too much on the vivid images of suicide running through my head.

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Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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