Loopy, Lonely and Lost

I’m in a bit of a state.

Posted on: March 9, 2011

It’s been building and building and building. Fuck.

I feel like such a dick. Ever since my mum went into hospital it’s been abundantly clear that I fucking need her. I hate admitting it. I hate even thinking it. I complain about her all the time and she makes me feel like shit but when she’s not there, I let myself properly feel, and only then do I realise how much feeling actually hurts. A friend has asked me to move in with her and there was a small part of me that was actually considering it, thinking maybe getting away from this house would be beneficial, but how could it possibly help when I fall apart without something to fear?

I know my way of dealing with things isn’t exactly ideal. It’s not something you’d recommend. What I do is I ignore things. Fiddling while Rome burns isn’t a criticism to me, it’s a way of life. But then all of a sudden there are flames lapping at your ankles and there’s no way out.

My parents have been asking, with increasing frequency over the past few months, about my dissertation. I don’t know what to say. The university never got in touch with me, and every time I think about it I feel like dying, so in a weird, counter-intuitive sort of self-preservation, I was just hoping I’d die before anyone noticed. I can’t really tell anyone that, though, can I? Sooner or later, I’m going to have to admit to everyone that I’m a failure. I’m just trying to find an excuse, a motivation for that failure that I’m willing to concede. Better to be thought of as painfully stupid or chronically forgetful than admit to unhappiness, because if there’s one thing that’s been proven beyond doubt, it’s that there is no time or space allotted to me for that particular emotion. It feels childish and pathetic to say it, but it is true: I am not allowed to be unhappy, and – feelings not really being subject to rules – if I can’t avoid it then the least I can do is pretend it’s not there, because admitting it hurts everyone else.

I don’t feel particularly safe at the moment. I’m in the type of mood that disturbs me most, gathering up evidence and reasons to detest myself. Feeling both depressed and impulsive means I spend most of my time trying, with varying levels of success, to stop myself from doing incredibly stupid things.

Tomorrow, I’m going to be in the house on my own. I’ve got the day off work. My dad and brother will both be out, and my mum, of course, is in hospital. I’ll have hour after hour of silence and boredom, trying to make the tv drown out my thoughts.

One of the things about having a mother like mine is that the house is full of drugs. Cupboards overflowing with varied and powerful medications. And because she’s in hospital, I don’t even have to worry that I’m taking away the medicines she needs.

I don’t even know how serious I am. I always thought suicide was something I’d plan. But an opportunity has arisen. I’m fairly confident I could mix a fatal cocktail, and well, what else is there to plan? I don’t want to hurt anyone, but my attitude at the moment tends to be fuck it, and once you realise that your life is a burden and an annoyance, the desire to make other people happy stops necessarily leading to the conclusion that you have to stay alive.

If I’m not the only person who’s made miserable by my remaining alive – if I’m not the exception but the rule – then, well…fuck it. Why not do us all a failure?

And I don’t know if I am thinking straight. I don’t know if any of this makes sense. All I know is that lately I’ve been in an almost constant state of panic, and that all I really want is to lie down and stop thinking, stop feeling, stop being. What else is there to do?


2 Responses to "I’m in a bit of a state."

It sounds like you need to give yourself permission to be sad. It sounds like you are in a legitimately challenging situation, and it is OK to be really upset about it. I promise, you can be sad sometimes, no matter what your family or your confused conscience is telling you. How could ending your life help this situation? I hope you choose to seek help rather than harming yourself. Email me at madeline31692@gmail.com if u need. I’ll check during the day tomorrow. I’m
no doctor, but I suppose another human is better than the echoing sounds of your self-hatred. I know, I’ve been there.

I’m sorry. I can relate – my family doesn’t like negative emotion being expressed, either. It’s not uncommon. Agree with the above commenter, you need to give yourself permission to feel sad, and afraid, and whatever bad things you feel.
Please don’t do anything stupid, and please get medical attention as soon as you can, OK? No matter how it feels, you don’t make anyone miserable by remaining alive – I promise, you would make them a lot more miserable by killing yourself. I hope you get help and feel less crappy soon.

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My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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