Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Posted on: March 3, 2011

Fuck.

I am losing control. My moods are getting more variable, changing more often, taking over my life when they change. This is worrying. I’d been hoping that rest and food and routine were the stabilisers I needed to survive, but life hasn’t changed and suddenly I’m all over the place.

A few days of giddiness and giggling and making a fool of myself, and then falling to the ground with a crash.

I’m exhausted, and I just feel like giving up. I don’t feel like I care about anything. I just want to sleep forever, but I keep fucking waking up.

I don’t feel in control. I don’t want to exaggerate. I mean, yes, I feel like something drastic will happen. I feel like I am going to harm myself. But I’ve felt that before and managed to reign it in. Plenty of times, I’ve felt like this or worse and have gritted my teeth and kept myself safe without really knowing why. So I can do it.

It’s just that I see myself dying, all the time. Every time I close my eyes. I’m obsessing over suicide, obsessing over blissful blankness, so desperate to just not think anymore.

I’ve said it so many times that I feel like a stuck record, but I just want to have never been born. It’s not worth it, life, and I’m trying not to be melodramatic, trying to be positive and cheerful and trying so hard to believe that life and I can ever just get along.

But I feel cripplingly alone, and too tired to fight the sadness and the hopelessness that spreads through me like wildfire. I wish I could just say “I give up” and lie down and never move or breathe or think again. I wish that was enough.

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1 Response to ""

Hello,
I am S. and I have been flitting around here for a bit now. You strike me as very similar to me… Umm… I am a bit older, 27 this summer, but other than that (and a few things that happened in the last couple of years to put me here) I empathize greatly with your struggles and words.
I too feel the overwhelming nothingness that is neither here nor there for the majority of the time, with inter-mitten days of not really being able to identify how I feel at all.
One thing I read and has stuck with me is your words along the lines of ‘I don;t have the energy/motivation to either end or change my life.’ and the that you keep seeing yourself dying. I didn’t realize until right now that those are a type of suicidal thought. I dont think I could hurt myself but I see ways to die everywhere, and more specifically actually see myself follow through in my head. I don;t know if I have ever admitted this.
I chose to comment on this post because it is actually the very day my life changed dramatically for a second March 03 in a row. I had a two level spinal fusion after spending a year in excruciating pain. There is no long or interesting story about what happened to my back, I put down a box at work and something just snapped. I herneated two discs and compressed three nerves. Worked in physio for a year and resorted to surgery to restore the weight bearing capabilities in my left leg.
It hasn’t worked, and I am left still in pain trying to learn to want to live.

I know this has been a totally random reply on an older post… I guess the date struck me. And this post was like something I could have wrote. It speaks to me.
I hope you realize that you are important to people. Really.
xoxo – S.

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Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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