Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Posted on: February 22, 2011

Fuck, fuck, fuck. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.

Another day of shit. I don’t know why it still affects me. I should have it memorised by now.

She’s ill. I think.

Lying about her temperature and making far too much noise and acting like she’s never felt worse.

I should be more sympathetic. But there must be some reason I knew what Munchausen’s was before I could spell it.

She wanted to go to the hospital. We told her she didn’t really need to go. She kept crying. We said we’d take her to the hospital. She said she no longer wanted to go.

Just an hour or two later, it’s our fault she’s ill, because we wouldn’t take her to the hospital.

And it’s bullshit, and I shouldn’t get so angry. I should be calm and point out all the ways in which everything she says and does is cruel and wrong. But I see red and I shout and I go to bed because there is never any answer.

The person I pretend to be would sort this. The Laura the world sees would make something happen.

But I’m stuck between scepticism and concern, and nothing I ever do ever makes any difference.

Sometimes, I think of killing myself. As an experiment. I don’t know if she realises anyone else exists.

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Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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