Loopy, Lonely and Lost

What I get for letting myself be happy.

Posted on: February 19, 2011

One week, or thereabouts, of feeling incredible. Feeling like I can do anything. One week, or thereabouts, of feeling like I am brilliant, being told I am brilliant, liking people and being liked by them. One week of feeling like my heart was about to leap out of my chest, full of joy and laughter and hope.

And now, tears falling down my face and I don’t know why. Awkwardness and anxiety eating away at me and I don’t know why. So much shame and embarrassment at all my posturing and arrogance. I don’t know why. It flicks like a switch, from I’m going to live forever to I need to die as soon as possible, head filled with screeching trains coming to flatten me.

And fuck, if I could find a reason, maybe I could cope.

With every day, every week, every ridiculous mood that passes, I move further and further away from thinking things will ever be normal. At 22 and a half, more than four years since I started thinking that maybe things weren’t normal, it’s stupid to say I’m still so young, I’ll grow out of it. Stupid to think of phases and short-term difficulties and things that end. I just don’t know if this is something I can cope with forever.

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Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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