Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Fingers crossed…

Posted on: February 13, 2011

Things may well have taken a turn for the better.

I am feeling things again. Good things, too.

I mean, okay. I’m writing this at 04:30am, wide awake and wild-eyed, buzzing with energy. And I’ve been irritable. Well, it’s not so much irritation as heartlessness, I suppose: disagreeing with people with vehement logic, tearing apart their reasoning about things that don’t even matter.

So maybe things aren’t all sunshine and daisies.

But I’ve been smiling, laughing, and talking. Doing that thing where I talk with my whole body (“On the one hand…” I say, gesturing wildly and leaping to one side, “But on the other…” and I leap again). Being, if I’m honest, a little bit rude, a little bit inappropriate. Not noticing that til after the fact, when people are already glaring or smirking or ignoring, depending on their attitude.

I went out a few nights ago with people from work, only had a couple of glasses of wine but no-one believed I wasn’t drunk, and there were even those familiar old mutterings of “are you on something?” as I talked non-stop and shrieked with laughter and skipped up and down the street.

I feel like I am fizzing.

And fuck, I want this to be me forever. I’ll take the weird looks. I just don’t ever want to be tired again, tired and grey and blank like I’ve been for the first few weeks of this year. There must be a way to stay like this.

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Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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