Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Posted on: September 19, 2010


Why can’t I ever be honest?

Why do I have to keep every detail a closely-guarded secret, hide everything in my life away from everyone?

All I know is that it’s what comes naturally to me, that the thought of honesty and openness makes me start to panic.

But it is going to kill me.

I’ve fallen out with my parents because of it. I don’t want to go into the details. But it’s because I am so secretive, so private and so closed-off. And for them, keeping secrets means not trusting them, and that means not loving them.

But I don’t know how to do it. Secrecy is all I have.

I start work tomorrow. I don’t know if I can do it. My mum just keeps talking about how I’ve never worked before, how lucky I am to have got the job, with my inexperience and my uselessness and the fact that I’ve wasted my life.

All I can think about is dying. Mostly as a way of protecting myself. I can’t care about losing my secrets if I’m dead. But there’s another side to it, a side that I’m so ashamed of. Spite. They can’t know me, or question me, or judge me, or intrude on me, if I’m not here. They keep pushing for more, and I can’t help but feel I would be justified in reducing what they have of me to nothing.


2 Responses to ""

how was it today? I hope you enjoyed it.x

It was okay, thanks. It’s hard to tell on the first day, I think, but it seems quite good.

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My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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