I’m being a bit restless lately, quite a lot of energy and stupid ideas but also feeling irritable and a little bit down and being bombarded by thoughts of suicide.

I think I’m probably upsetting everyone, being blunt and unimpressed with everything, telling everyone what I think of them and the stupid things they say. I know this makes me quite a bad person, and I feel guilty (I know I’m no better than the people I’m being a bitch to, I just can’t help correcting them).

I’m also sleeping a bit less…alternating between wide-eyed, twitchy-limbed hyperactivity and slow, painful lethargy. It doesn’t seem to matter how much sleep I get, although lying awake can be annoying because my brain keeps whirring around, like an appliance that’s been left on.

My boss has been mentioning again that I should apply for a managerial position. I don’t really know what to say. I’m torn between the feeling of itchy feet and wanting a new adventure and the feeling that at least the job I have now doesn’t throw up any nasty surprises. I’m not the cool, calm, collected, reliable, adaptable person that everyone seems to think I am. I know my boss is just being good at his job, encouraging me to progress, and there’s a part of my heart that just sinks at the thought of doing the same thing forever. I’m just not sure it’s a good idea to set myself for failure (and, in the even of success, much more stress than I have now) when I feel a little vulnerable lately.

I’m spitting out opinions and making suicide jokes without any hint of a smile. I’m being such an arsehole and I hate myself for it but I can’t shut up, can’t stop my reactions forcing themselves out of my mouth. And I keep trying to give away my money. It’s burning a hole in my pocket. Sometimes I think I should just die so I can have a will and share it all out between the people I know. I don’t want money, it makes me uncomfortable. Sometimes I want to grab a bag, run away, live day-to-day, take my chances out in the real world, own nothing, never be tied down.