A couple of days ago, I had a meeting with my boss. It was fine – we have them quite often, and he’s sort of a friend now, so I don’t get anxious about it.

He was asking what my ambitions are, where I see myself in six months. I find questions like that impossible to answer at the best of times. It’s not that I’m unambitous, as such – I would like to succeed, I’d like something to show for my life, I’d like a challenge – but my ambitions are without direction. And sometimes, I don’t really see myself being alive in six months.

So I sort of joked and muttered and threw my hands up and admitted to not knowing what on Earth my plans for the future are.

He laughed at me, and said I’m a natural manager. He said I could do his job with my eyes closed, and that if I’m interested in applying for a managerial role, he’ll back me. He said that I’m the only person on the team he’d say that to.

I’m flattered, obviously. And there’s a part of me that thinks he’s right. Maybe it’s the part of me with the over-inflated self-esteem, but I think I could do it. I’m getting restless in my current job, and I’d like to have something to work towards.

But the whole reason I was so nervous about applying for any job, back before I bit the bullet and got this one, is that I don’t deal particularly well with the stresses of applications and interviews. I’m not so bad with the pressure to perform – now I have my job, I’m fine working hard and proving myself and trying to be the best I can be – but the pressure of applying (of having to talk about myself – of having to talk about myself in a positive way -, and of knowing that just by applying for something, I’m saying I BELIEVE I’M GOOD ENOUGH, which feels like setting myself up for a massive fall) is probably too much for me to handle.

And, I mean, let’s be serious for a moment. Whenever a job arises, there’ll be loads of applicants. And I’m…me. I’m a good ten years younger than most (if not all) of the current managers. I have just over a year’s experience in the company, and that’s all my experience in this industry. In fact, it’s all of my experience in full-time work, full-stop. I’ve got a degree, but I did really badly at it, and it’s nothing to do with my job. I don’t really, fully believe that I have any skills whatsoever.

So there’d be all that stress of applying, of jumping through hoops, of pretending to be the best person for the job, and I wouldn’t get it. And if I failed, I wouldn’t have the strength to try again next time. And I’d be humiliated, because I’d have indicated to everyone – by applying for the job in the first place – that I was that kind of person, and in not getting it I’d have proved I’m not the right kind of person. It feels like the most ridiculous arrogance to even consider applying.

I feel sure that I could do the job. I just don’t believe I have any chance of getting it.

I can’t really explain that to my boss, though. I have a carefully-cultivated aura of confidence, and I can’t shatter that by admitting to my endless, soul-destroying self-doubt.