I’m finding words difficult. And everything else, really.

On the bright side, I’m calmer. I’m no longer cluttered with too many thoughts and too much movement.

But I feel like I’m made out of lead.

Stupid, isn’t it? I spend all my time complaining about one thing or another, when I should just accept that there is no middle ground.

I’m so slow. I couldn’t think properly before because all the thoughts were jostling for position…now I can’t think properly because there just aren’t enough thoughts. I think, then I pause, stuck, no words at all in my head, and I just have to wait for something else to come along.

I have to do a presentation tomorrow. I have to do so many things.

I can’t think, I can’t move.

I’m trying to be okay. I’ve been going to things. I went to a meeting with my presentation group earlier, and I managed. I felt ridiculously fake, my face stretched into a grimace, my voice too quiet, then too loud – everything was just off, but of course, people don’t notice. That’s not how it works.

I am trying. And I have to be okay. I have to be able to do things.

But I feel so slow and heavy and tired. My insomnia is still stupidly bad. It’s just me and my thoughts at night, and at the moment I don’t even have the energy to try to distract myself – and if I did I don’t think it’d work. You have to be interested in things in order to be distracted.

The other day I was talking to a girl who was really passionate about her future. She was talking about how she was nervous that it wouldn’t work out and excited that it would, and about how this is the start of her life, really – about how she could do anything.

And I didn’t understand. I would have done…years ago, I’d have understood. I’d have got it, I’d have felt the same.

I miss it.

I miss feeling like there was some future for me. I miss feeling like no problem was insurmountable. I miss that unshakeable feeling of invincibility.

I know there’s no way back. I’m not stupid.

I just don’t know how to go about moving forward, carrying on, with what I’ve got left. What I am now.

I’m just tired, I suppose, and talking crap.