Running on empty
Posted by: Laura on: June 26, 2009
I am pretty much fucked.
The past few days have been spent in bed. Lying around. Doing nothing. Sometimes crying. More often, staring at walls. Taking huge amounts of sleeping pills in increasingly-doomed attempts to knock myself out so I don’t have to feel.
I’m constantly tired but I can’t sleep. I constantly feel like I’m going to throw up.
I haven’t sorted out a dissertation. Too late now, probably. Had a few vague ideas but couldn’t discuss them because I can’t speak or move or think. It doesn’t matter. I can’t imagine being alive to come back to uni in October.
I’m alone at the minute. For the next few days. Everyone is on holiday or at home, they’re coming back some time next week I think.
Ideally I would do one of two things:
- Get out of bed in the morning, shower, eat, tidy my room and do something about arranging a dissertation topic.
- Kill myself.
But the truth is that I’ll probably spend another day lying around, too exhausted to do anything.
I am a despicable human being. I do nothing. I contribute nothing. I am nothing.
When am I going to finally just snap and either sort out my life or end it?
1 | Katie
June 27, 2009 at 10:20 am
You are not a despicable human being. Not at all. When you’re depressed even the little things are almost inpossible and anything else just seems overwhelming and impossible. I have been in pretty much the same situation – I’m not going to give you the whole “it’ll all work out and be fine” spiel because you don’t need it.
“Ideally I would do one of two things:
1. Get out of bed in the morning, shower, eat, tidy my room and do something about arranging a dissertation topic.
2. Kill myself.”
If you have been unable to get out of bed for a while and have not been sleeping doing the list of things in list one is a bit unrealistic. How about getting up and doing one of the things on ytour list then, if you feel up to it then do the next thing but if you don’t then celebrate having acheived one thing.
I guess what I’m saying is make small goals and celebrate when you are able to do one and don’t beat yourself up for what you are unable to do.
You can do it. Just to reiterate – You are not a despicable human being, you do have a place, you do acheieve things (even if it doesnt feel like it right now) and most importantly you are worthwhile.
Much Love Kx