It’s just getting worse. Fuck, I don’t know what to do.

I’m so tired. Even when I get out of my bed, I end up back in it before long because there’s nothing worth being up for. I don’t sleep, I just lie, space out, cry. Every time I think about speaking to anybody, I feel like I’m going to throw up. I hear them talking in the corridor and I feel blocked in. I can’t face anybody. I’m scared they’ll see through my ‘normal’ act, and almost as scared they won’t.

I can’t cope. And I’m so fucking angry with myself because I’m supposed to cope. I’m supposed to be strong, I’m supposed to help other people, I’m supposed to get on with it and be okay. I feel so helpless.

More than anything, I want to be someone else. I’d like to have a life – just not this one. But I can’t do that so I’m going to have to settle for being no-one at all. I wish I was dead. I want to be dead. I’m sorry, I just can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to, I don’t want this to be me, I can’t face living like this.

It hurts so fucking much. And I don’t even know why. I’m supposed to be fine. It doesn’t make sense, I’m supposed to be okay, my life is good and easy but I don’t appreciate it, I’m not grateful, every minute feels like a punishment and I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve it, and if I haven’t done anything to deserve it then why should I want to be alive anyway, if life is so cruel to dole this out randomly, for no reason? If it made sense I would understand, I could learn to deal with it, but it doesn’t, and I can’t see a reason to carry on.

I’m scared, so scared. I can’t face life, it’s too frightening, too uncertain. All I know is that this will never truly go away, it just weighs me down, slows me down. I can’t face life like this.  It’s eating away at me and I don’t think there’s anything of me left, not really. The person I used to be, the person I thought I was, would never be so pathetic.

I can’t think of a way to kill myself. It has to be right, I don’t want to fuck it up, I can’t let it go wrong, but fuck, I have to do something, I have to end it.

I don’t want to hurt anybody, but I can’t keep them happy, not at this price.

I can’t live anymore. I wish I could explain properly, I wish I could tell them how sorry I am, but I can’t. 

I can’t keep doing this. I need to find a way out. I don’t have the strength to keep trying to live my life.

Why is this happening to me? What have I done wrong? I’m falling apart and I don’t know why, I don’t know how. I don’t understand what is happening to me, it’s like I’m reacting to something terrible but nothing terrible has happened, it’s completely inappropriate and I’m supposed to be okay and happy, I’m supposed to be able to cope so why can’t I?  I know that there is nothing wrong but I can’t stop crying and panicking and wanting to die and I can’t see a future, I can’t see hope.

I’m trying to cope but I’m failing, I’m failing so badly. I wish there was a simple solution but the only solution I can see is death.

There isn’t any other way out. I’m just so tired.