I can’t do this.
Posted by: Laura on: June 11, 2009
It’s too much. I can’t do it. I don’t want to.
The anxiety is excruciating. Hiding behind my door. Looking through the peephole. Switching the light off so people will think I’m out. If I do have to go out, waiting for the corridor light to go off, then running to the front door of the flat. If the lift isn’t on my floor, I take the stairs. I can’t hang around waiting. I can’t be seen.
I can’t do this. I’m too frightened.
Tears spring to my eyes at the slightest thing. I lie in my bed, curled up, fingernails digging into my palms, just crying. Lights off, curtains closed, phone unplugged, gasping for breath through frantic tears.
I should have killed myself two years ago. Nothing has happened in the intervening time that has made staying alive worth it.
I give up. I give up. I need a way out.I don’t want to live a full life under this cloud. If it lasts much longer I will be completely lost. Maybe I already am.
Moments of happiness mean nothing. They are not worth this. Nothing is worth this. I won’t ever be truly happy because I’ll always know how this feels and I’ll always be scared of it coming back.
Life has become a burden. I get to the point where I resent my parents for giving it to me. If I’d never been born, I wouldn’t have to be like this. I wouldn’t be anything but that’s okay.
I can’t cope. I just can’t do it. I don’t want to exist anymore, I can’t. I’m too tired, too frightened, too weak to live.
I don’t know what to do. I know that living is my only option. I know that I decided to stay alive, that I decided to stop being weak, stop letting it get the better of me, start living properly. But I just can’t do it. And what other option is there?
I don’t want to hurt anybody else. But I can’t keep this up.
Everybody has a breaking point, don’t they?
5 Responses to "I can’t do this."
Hey
Don’t take yourself so seriously. Yes, life sucks, but your mood will pass. Its just more shit. I am glad to be able to leave a comment cause you seem like a nice woman and probably could use some friends. You ever try meditating? No big deal, but just sitting quiet and letting it flow can help you get in the habit of learning to let anxiety and emotion pass through and not cling so hard.
blessings.
Craig
Hi, you don’t know me, but I just wanted to say that I’ve been in a similar place more times than I can count, and I hope that you find a way to go on.
It’s OK to be weak, and it’s OK to be broken. As long as you’re living the best you can, you are living properly.
Sometimes, the only thing that pulled me through was this: “You don’t want to die, without having lived.”
Laura, this post really worries me.
For what it’s worth, I don’t think that you’re weak; the fact that you’ve got this far is evidence of that. It might not be where you hoped you’d be by now, but you’re still moving forwards.
I hope things get easier xx
1 | sean
June 11, 2009 at 5:42 am
Laura,
You can keep going. Don’t let the bastards drag you down. I’ve been there. Hell, I’m there frequently. But you can get through this. Eventually you’ll find a treatment and some medicine that helps keep things steady, and you’ll build a support network that you can count on. Keep trying.
You will get through this.