Just wanted to say thank you to everybody who’s read, and commented, and tried to help.

I just wish I could say “thanks, it’s okay, I’m alright now” and that would be the end of it and I could move on and blog about stupid things.

It’s just gone 4am and I can’t sleep. I’m tired of course – there’s a weariness that pervades everything I do. But it doesn’t really translate to getting any actual sleep.

I cut myself again. I don’t really know how I feel about that. On the one hand, I absolutely hate the scars, and I’m aware that it’s a sign that things are worse than they’ve been in months, and getting worse. But on the other hand, it calms me down. And it’s something I can control.

I’ve spent a good deal of the day indulging (somehow, indulging feels like the right word) in suicide fantasies. And mainly being really frustrated that I don’t have a really good method. Something that would definitely work. I find myself – not for the first time – wishing I was some sort of machine, and I could just press a switch, or unplug myself. I’m not exactly in the right frame of mind to be making elaborate plans.

If I’m honest with you, I’m not in the right frame of mind to leave my room. Although I will have to tomorrow (well, it’s today now), I have a group meeting and a lecture. Really kind of need to go to both, especially the meeting – I can’t really handle the guilt of letting everyone down (yes, again).

I feel like I have to either die or be fine, because in between is so utterly, relentlessly shit. And I can’t choose to be fine. I can’t choose to wake up one day and suddenly be okay, because if I could I wouldn’t be writing this, I’d be enjoying myself, or sleeping, like a normal person. I wish I could just choose to die, and then that would be it. No desperately searching for a method that won’t fail. No ’should I write a note?’ No awful, unbearable weight of guilt whenever I think of how people might react when they find out. No secrecy, lies, shame, fear. Couldn’t I just fill in a form? Isn’t that how the world works these days? “Do you want to die? Please tick correct answer.” And then I could tick yes and that would be the end of that. It’s really stupid, isn’t it? I’m afraid that’s as far as my intelligence goes these days. I want to be thinking up complicated, foolproof suicide plans, but actually, I’m sitting on my bed, thinking, ‘wouldn’t be great if there was just a box I could tick?’

It’s times like these that I’m really grateful to have the internet. The worst things about being online (you don’t know if people are telling the truth, and you can’t really tell their tone) suddenly become the best when you’re depressed. I’m isolating, but everybody thinks I’m fine. If people speak to me on the internet, I can have a few minutes of empty, vacuous conversation, I can read what they have to say and reply sufficiently. I can do smiley faces and say “hahaha” and everybody presumes that I’m happy and everything’s fine.

And all the time, I’m sinking, sinking, sinking. And I’m thinking, how long can I do this? How long do I want to do this? I feel like my life is already over. So why am I keeping up this façade? Probably only because I don’t have a guaranteed way of ending it, yet.

Anyway, the point of this was to say thank you for being nice and sorry for writing such pointless, inane drivel.